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Fantasy Football Smack Talk 101

By Constance Begood

2008-02-06 Update - How-To Trash Talk Web Forums

Fantasy smack talk, trash-talk...whatever you call it, when you play fantasy football for as long as I have you'll begin to realize that your ability to trash talk is directly related to your ability to play fantasy football well. Its also adds to the fun and is encouraged in how-to be a fantasy football commissioner guides. So, that said, winning is not enough...you must smack! On this page I'll describe the elements of smack and show you, by example, how to trash-talk.

Lesson #1: its not whether you win or lose--it's how well you dish out the smack

In this lesson you will learn:

• Never smack 1-on-1
• You must smack back
• Don't take offense
• Use 'Smackdicators'
• Use a derogitory nickname
• Use a tasteless epithetical signoff

Below is an actual smack conversation. First comes the message that instigates a smack-off: "Bloody Pulp" is a rookie to fantasy football and doesn't like all the smack that I, Constance Begood, have been laying down. You'll see all the smack elements described above highlighted in blue. Ladies, I apologize for the use of the 'he' personal pronoun which I use for brevity--ladies can smack too!

The emails below are going back and forth via a league forum mailer, i.e., everyone in the league is reading these messages. That's the first lesson--never smack one-on-one because without an audience you can't be funny. Always reply-all or reply via your league's message board.


A challenge like that, whiney as it is, cannot go unmet, i.e., you must smack-back! Bloody Pulp is a rookie and so doesn't really understand that smack talk is all tounge-in-cheek, i.e., he's serious--he didn't understand that when I signed-off my prior post (not shown here) using 'Up Yours' that it was just smack. Bloody was offended and that's why he starts his post with a reference to 'up yours'.

If you actually take offense to anything that your smacker says--you've lost the smack-off! So, in a way, I've won the smack-off even before its begun because Bloody is *really* upset--that's not fake outrage. BTW, fake outrage is fun to do in smack, e.g, I'm shocked...shocked that you said 'up yours'!.

Back to Bloody, sure I've won the smack-off already, but I like to toy around with rookies--especially ones, like Bloody, who are completely clueless. I don't really know Bloody (he's a friend of a friend), but he appears to be a moron because he's not learning: This is week 14 and he still doesn't get it--he's taking personal offense to smack talk. This makes for great comedy because, like Costello in "who's on third", Bloody's 'playing' the straight guy. The audience (my league) is starting to get it, but poor Lou...the joke's on him. Still, despite the fact that Bloody appears to lack a sense of humor, and deserves to be lampooned, he's a friend of a friend so I'll have play nice.

When crafting your response, if you should write something and then think, "I sure hope he doesn't take this the wrong way" then you're on the right track. If you think, "he'll probably punch me for this" then you've probably just finished a work of smack-art. However, you have to have a bit of subtlety, you need to include some important 'Smackdicators', i.e., elements of smack style that let intelligent people reading the smack say, "a-ha, he's just smacking." For example, the epithetical sign-off is a Smackdicator, it lets people know you have your tounge firmly planted in cheek.

Its great when you're smacking someone who's never been smacked, like Bloody, because they take everything personally--they don't see the Smackdicators. Its all a joke, but if you take offense then the joke is on you. So, without further ado, here is my response.


That was a good one--I especially like my arrogant tone. So as not to confuse you, I signed off with 'Constance Begood', but when posting always sign-off with your team name, e.g., Constance Pounders or Begood Blasters.

Remember, you're writing for an audience. Since this league had a lot of rookies in it I really had to highlight the Smackdicators, e.g., I literally wrote-out "here comes some smack" with the pretense that I was giving them a smack lesson. With rookies, you have to wear kid gloves until they get it. When you're smacking a veteran smacker there's no need for pretense--just include the Smackdicators and you'll be fine.

BTW, Bloody Pulp hasn't punched me to date, but if he does then I'll just laugh because its a triple win for me. One, I win the smack-off because Bloody broke the rules--No Punching (especially a pretty girl like myself). Two, the joke's on Bloody and its a good one, i.e., we'll (my league) have a great story to tell for years at Bloody's expense (and deservedly so). Three, you've just gotten to know someone's true personality at very little expense (assuming he didn't break your nose). Getting to know friends and acquaintances is what social networking (and Fantasy Football to a large extent) is all about.

2008-02-06: Update: If you'd like to talk more about how-to Fantasy Football Trash Talk it seems the only places to do it are DVD Hounds and epinions. I get epinions, but DVD hounds? That is odd, but who can argue with almighty Google and Google. On the pro side, DVD Hounds does have a very nice forum posting interface with lots of emoticons and options. BTW, at DVD Hounds watch out for l8nights as he likes to flame newbies.

You ought to take a look at this too: The Art of Trash Talking. I don't like the NY Times politics, but this article is great and there is a forum of sorts on the page (but not as nice as DVD hounds).

2007/12/19: add topics --when trashing an opponent try to trash him in his particular idiom, i.e., if his team name is 'the wizard' then tell them something like "Mr. wizzard, your waving a limp wand" --when you're going to lose trash talk before the game and go BIG--WHY NOT!