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	Fantasy Football 101: How to Smack-Trash Talk
	By: Tom McDonald (Dr. RoboStein)

Fantasy smack talk, trash-talk...whatever you call it, when you play fantasy football for as long as I have you'll realize that trash talk skills are directly related to fantasy football skills. Smack also adds to the fun and is encouraged in how-to be a fantasy football commissioner guides. So, that said, winning is not enough...you must smack! On this page I'll describe the elements of smack and show you, by example, how I trash-talk. I don't have any smack credentials, but then again who does.

Lesson #1: its not whether you win or lose--it's how well you dish out the smack

In this lesson you will learn:

• Never smack 1-on-1
• You must smack back
• Don't take offense
• Use 'Smackdicators'
• Use a derogitory nickname
• Use a tasteless epithetical signoff
• Your team name is your #1 smack tool!
• Don't forget the picture!
• 2009-Nov: Update: Dead message board? Start tweaking!

Below is an actual smack conversation I had in 2007. "Bloody Pulp" is a rookie to fantasy football and after reading my prior posting (not shown here) took offense. In this short example, you'll see all the smack elements described above highlighted in blue.

The emails below are going back and forth via a league forum mailer and they also appear on the league message board. That's the first lesson--never smack one-on-one because without an audience you can't be funny. Always reply-all or reply via your league's message board. FYI, my team is 'The Farm'.



Basically Bloody was saying that my prior post had crossed the line and I was being rude. My prior post had rubbed-in the fact that I was undefeated and I signed off with 'up yours, The Farm.' I was just trash-talking, of course, moreover I don't find 'up-yours' offensive, besides it's just my standard sign-off, but I'll get to that below.

I've trashed talked long enough not to be put off by negative reactions like Bloody's. However, I have to admit every time I get this kind of reaction I begin to feel guilty for hurting someone's feelings and I have the urge to compose a long "I'm sorry" post.

Never say you're sorry! It doesn't happen that often, but when I get a negative reaction like Bloody's I just remind myself that the forum is for talking trash. Sometimes you cross the line. Stuff happens, get over it.

If some in your league can't live with that, what do you do then? Easy, just tell them that smack is for big boys, not big babies. If Bloody wants to cry then let him go get hugs from his BIG FAT MOMMA. BTW, ladies, here is your chance to prove you're one-of-the-guys and use trash talking as a career enhancer. Just remember, don't whine and cry like Bloody.

Now that you're wearing your thick skin--let's start writing trash. From the moment I compose my trash, I expect that sometimes I will get negative reactions like Bloody's. This seems to be the rule in new leagues especially when they are work leagues like this one was.

In a new league I'd say half the players don't know the other half. You might know that so-and-so is a friend of your friend, but you may have only met them once. You're both there to have fun, but you both don't want to insult an acquaintance on the message board. In work leagues you might also want to impress a higher-up who might be in the league. The board is for smack, everybody knows that, but you don't want to upset the boss of your boss (or whatever).

You don't want to insult someone, but the league gets boring quick if nobody says anything interesting on the message board. Guys that have bad teams may fade away after just a few weeks if there isn't anything to keep their interest. I've found that when the message board goes away then so does the fun. Likewise, so does your opportunity to get to know the higher-ups or friends' friends.

You need to smack because it keeps everybody interested in the league. Sure everybody in the league isn't my best friend, but I think it's nice to know my friend's friends if for no other reason than it gives me something (someone) to talk about. You also want to better know the higher-ups--I know I do. I'm not a career climber, but I do like to be able to hear important things early and my boss hears things before I do. So, clearly there are motivations for you to keep the message board humming. However, many of the things that keep the message board interesting, like smack, are the things that might insult someone if taken the wrong way.

Sometimes the message board is humming from week one to week seventeen and everybody is having a great time. But what do you do if the message board is dead? Should you sit back and hope that someone else sticks their neck out and gets it going?

There is also the middle case where half the league is actively posting and the other isn't. When that happened in one of my leagues I had people in the league approach me (I was the commish) and say I should get rid of so-and-so because, "he never says anything." I felt the same way...who wants to post when there is a guy in the league who never posts? You start to wonder if he's just shy or if you might have said something to offend him. In any event you feel like you're being spied on.

The answer, of course, is you have to be willing to stick your neck out and say something worth reading. Smack is important and if you're not competent with smack then maybe fantasy isn't your thing. IMHO, smack is the name of the game--it is what makes it fun. Nobody will remember who won except the guy with the tiny trophy. People do, however, remember when somebody made a border-line inappropriate post on the message board or, better yet, a way-across-the-border inappropriate post. Now that is fun!

So back to the Bloody Pulp reaction. He was insulted and so how should I respond? This is a work league after all and even though I didn't intend to insult him maybe I should say 'sorry'. NOT! I'M GOING TO INSULT HIM SOME MORE!!! Moreover, now that I know he's the sensitive type, I'm going to pick on him a lot! If Bloody gets offended by a silly little 'up yours' then it will be easy to push his 'outraged' buttons. Nothing generates more forum traffic than some guy trying to convince the league that they should all be outraged at another guy. BTDT--it is very funny to everyone except the outragee.

Seriously, if we all start worrying about offending someone in the league then it's no fun. I'm always reminded of what my college Dead-Head buddies told me about playing hacky-sack: "Never say you're sorry." That rule applies to the message board. The point is, few are any good at hacky-sack and so you should expect screw-ups. Likewise, few of us are professional journalists who can walk the fine line between interesting and inappropriate--expect screw-ups not sorrys!

Back to Bloody, a whiney post like that will be easy to poke fun at so it's time to smack back! Bloody Pulp is a rookie and so doesn't really understand that smack talk is all tounge-in-cheek, i.e., he's seriously upset. He didn't understand that when I signed-off my prior post (not shown here) using 'Up Yours' that it was just smack. Bloody was offended and that's why he starts his post with a reference to 'up yours'.

If you actually take offense to anything that your smacker says--you've just opened yourself up for another smack! Bloody is *really* upset--that's not fake outrage. BTW, fake outrage is fun to do in smack, e.g, I'm shocked...shocked that you said 'up yours'!.

I don't really know Bloody. He works in a different office and we drafted online so I never met him. I can tell he's a rookie because, for one, he said so, but also because saying 'up yours' is really small potatoes--on good boards it goes far beyond that. In Bloody's defense at least he said something and something is better than nothing. Saying nothing is no fun for sure.

There's a great opportunity to really entertain everybody who's reading this smackversation. I'm not a professional comedian, but I know what a 'straight man' is. I can sit back like Bud Abbott and deliver the stinging one-liners and Bloody is playing Lou's part, i.e., he thinks Who's on first and I Don't Know's on third.

Unlike Lou, however, Bloody isn't playing the part--he's living it. When someone let's him know that I was just goofing around then he'll realize he's just been made a fool of and either get insulted or he'll say, "good one, you got me." If he gets insulted do you really want him in the league? Probably not, today he'll take offense at what I said and tomorrow it'll be you.

When crafting your response, if you should write something and then think, "I sure hope he doesn't take this the wrong way" then you're on the right track. If you think, "he'll probably punch me for this" then you've probably just finished a work of smack-art. However, you have to have a bit of subtlety, you need to include some important 'Smackdicators', i.e., elements of smack style that let the audience say, "a-ha, he's just smacking." For example, the epithetical sign-off is a Smackdicator, it lets people know you have your tounge firmly planted in cheek.

It's great when you're smacking someone who doesn't understand trash talk, like Bloody, because they take every insult personally--they don't see the Smackdicators. Be prepared for the consequences, however, because eventually they'll realize the joke is on them. It will be entertaining for sure and with any luck they'll be a good sport. If not, well you just have to console yourself with the fact that you were just trying to keep things lively, and someday, when you play the fool, you'll remember to be a good sport.

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm not a professional comedian, but I do OK in this post and bottom line -- things stay fun. So, without further ado, here is my response.


That was a good one--I especially like the introduction of feminine hygene products ;-). The raunchier the better. Ladies take note! If you take offense then you are out of the fraternity and, in work leagues, out goes a big career networking opportunity. I'm sure some reading this just said something like, "well that's no fair." However it is fair: it's not about your gender, it's about your ability to take a joke. In some cases, it's about your ability to take a bad joke. Whatever the case, you need a thick skin and all the thin skinned can just go get a hug from their BIG FAT MOMMA. If there is a moron misogynist in the league who's hammering you--fire back and don't cry about it. Nobody likes a whiner and you can't claim superior wit and tactfulness: you have to prove it in the forum.

Note that I signed off with 'The Farm.' When posting always sign-off with your team name as it's your message board alter-ego. It's an important smackdicator because signing your real name makes a goof seem like a personal attack.

Your team name is *the* most important smack tool you have!!! It establishes a theme for your smack and when you have a good theme the smack just flys off your keyboard. My last name is (Old) McDonald and thus I call my teams 'The Farm'. That, however, is a stupid way to pick a team name. As it turned out I was lucky (as opposed to good) because 'The Farm' is more than a name--it's a theme. After using that team name a few weeks I realized that I could adopt the identity of any farm animal and sign-off as, say, The Donkey. Think of all the great trash you can write if you are hung like a Donkey! If your team name implies a whole cast of characters you'll never be at a loss for smack.

If you named your team something like 'The Buckeyes' then you need to change your team name today! I've adopted Ohio as my home state and I love the Bucks, but The Bucks don't give you a platform from which to toss trash. The same goes for all the other team names that are themeless. A guy in my league named his team "Snoop Dog, sponsored by Seagram's Gin--The Blue Bonic Chronic." That gave him a great theme for all his smack--he wrote all smackversations as if he were Snoop laying it down in the hood.

Also, don't get attached to your team name. When the Snoop theme got old, my friend renamed his team, no biggie. However, don't change your team name too often. A good trick is to save name changes for the day you are on the receiving end of a lot of smack! One of my work friends joined a league that I commish and he stupidly called his team "Go Buckeyes." That was like wearing a 'kick-me' sign on his back. First of all, it's not very original to name your team 'The Buckeyes' when you live in Ohio. Second of all--he was a rookie, so he was just making it easy for the league vets to lay the smack on.

Needless to say, the smack started on day one and by week's end my friend had been the butt of every joke imaginable. I felt sorry for him, but then he had a stroke of genious. He renamed his team "Rock-and-Roll-Sweet-Sweet-Pussy-Hole" and changed his team logo to a picture of those Playboy centerfold twins wearing nothing but a snake! After that it became really hard to smack him. What are you going to say? "Sex is lame"? Not! It was a total smack-block.

Team name is a topic unto itself. Check out this fantasy team name blog.

Back to my smack with Bloody Pulp: remember that you're writing for an audience. Since this league had a lot of rookies in it I really had to highlight the Smackdicators, e.g., I literally wrote-out "here comes some smack" with the pretense that I was giving them a smack lesson. With rookies, you have to wear kid gloves until they get it. When you're smacking a veteran smacker there's no need for pretense--just include the Smackdicators and you'll be fine.

I've still not heard back from Bloody on the post above because it was one of the last posts of the season. Like I said above, I did my part to make the board fun and if he takes offense then C'est la vie.

Don't forget to include a picture with your smack. A picture is like a team name or team logo--it gives your story a starting point. Let's say you want to call your upcoming opponent a moron. You can do that in the league forum. However, you can do better! If your league allows you to post with an image on the league home page then you should:

1. Google 'moron'
2. Click the 'images' link
3. Voila! You have about one-billion images of morons.
4. Right-click the image and save it to your hard-drive. If it is an animated gif then right-clicking won't work: you'll need to navigate to your browser's temporary internet files folder and find it.
5. Upload the image to your site and write a story about how your opponent is like the moron shown in the image.

Smack early and often! If your team totally blows then you really need to smack before the game. That is, don't save your smack and hope you win the upcoming game. If you wait until after the game then there's a chance that you might have lost and losers can't smack--they can only whine. If, however, you smack before the game then there is a one-hundred percent chance that you haven't lost (yet).

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2008-10-10: Update: If you'd like to talk more about how-to Fantasy Football Trash Talk then try these Google search links: Google and Google. You ought to take a look at this too: The Art of Trash Talking. I don't like the NY Times politics, but this article is great and there is a forum of sorts on the page.

2008-10-22: another great smack blog: The Crusher is funny. 2007/12/19: add topics --when trashing an opponent try to trash him in his particular idiom, i.e., if his team name is 'the wizard' then tell them something like "Mr. wizzard, your waving a limp wand" --when you're going to lose trash talk before the game and go BIG--WHY NOT!

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2009-11-28 UPDATE: Dead Message Board? Start tweaking!
When nothing gets posted for a long time then it's time for extreme measures. You've got to tweak the league. Something is better than nothing and to get the smack rolling you have to tailor your strategy to your league's idiosyncrasies. The easiest way to do this is start pressing people's buttons. If you have a Michigan fan in the league than start talking about how the Buckeyes have kicked their butts for 10 years straight. Make inflammatory statements and include completely fabricated information like, "ESPN polled HS All-American football players and they ranked Michigan as the place they'd least like to play."

As a last resort you might even try politics. I'm in a league this year with a friend of mine who is a tree-hugger. I love trees and all, but this guy has a bookcase with, easily, ten books about global warming. I don't know the other guys (and one gal) in the league. I am winning the league, but it's boring...nobody is posting anything....yawn! If I knew the guys in the league better I might be able to craft some inflammatory non-political posts to get the board going, but since I don't...politics it is. I figured that if my buddy is a tree hugger then the other guys that I don't know are tree huggers too (birds of a feather). There was a news story about global warming being a hoax and so I posted a "GLOBAL WARMING HOAX" story on the front page of our site with an Al Gore political cartoon. OUTRAGE!!! APOPLEXY!! So far there have been about ten posts in two days. I've been called every cliched right winger aspersion in the book! I love it.